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Welcome to Potty Mouth, our new and slightly controversial article series.
We wanted a place where we could talk about stuff that isn’t necessarily polite, appropriate or ladylike, where we can swear (with little *$#@! symbols) and discuss the kind of things usually confined to only the inner most circles of life long friends.
So without further ado… Let’s talk about poo! It’s a conversation stopper or starter dependant on which side of the shy fence you sit on.
For me and my friends it’s always up for debate, especially after a few wines. I wanted to share with you some of our reflections and insights which rightly or wrongly always generate giggles, gasps and genuine interest.
Now personally I don’t even feel comfortable peeing in front of anyone, including my partner of 11 years, but on discussion of ‘poo inspections’ a friend told me she and her boyfriend compare specimens. It came about after he caught a sneak peek at her's and after passing comment she demanded a reciprocal viewing (well it’s only fair). They’ve been comparing their work ever since. Now that’s a level of intimacy I’m not yet ready for!
Dr Gillian from You Are What You Eat makes the poor people on the show poo in a tupperware pot then dissect it on national television. Maybe we should all invest a little bit of time in ‘interpreting the poo’. I would imagine it would be a lot like reading tea leaves. It may all be a bunch of crap, but it probably holds many of the answers to life’s questions…like what did I eat when I came home at 3am last night?
This leads me nicely onto another phenomenon that we’re surely all familiar with; the post piss up poo. The product of far too many sugary carbohydrate loaded litres, the booze poo has to come out somehow. A few of my favourites have to be:
The champagne sh*t. My mother once said to me ‘you might pee out beer darling but you sh*t out champagne’. Boy was she right!
The dark rum roll. One word comes to mind…black tar.
Lychee vodka cruiser. Forget the red tongue, these babies turn your poo an army shade of green.
For reasons unbeknown to me, my old flatmate told us over a beer one night that he hadn’t pooed for five days. My brother (who was visiting at the time) freaked out. He was ready to whip him down to the A&E department for some emergency plumbing work, convinced this was a recipe for internal explosion. I put it down to the fact that he ate little and had a soft spot for some hard candy, but regardless it got us all thinking about how often we poo.
My partner reckons he can set his watch by his 9am poo. It comes knocking at the same time everyday and it sets off major alarm bells if it doesn’t arrive on time. I must admit, it is part of my morning ritual. I can’t help but point out that guys have been quite casually talking about the routine of a ‘Sh*t, Shower and Shave’ for years. They’re comfortable with it.
No matter which way you look at it being associated with poo in the company of the opposite sex doesn’t spell sexy. It’s just not ladylike to come out of the toilets holding your nose and bellowing ‘Jesus, sorry everyone, that’s off limits for the next five minutes!' They still haven’t invented an air freshener that can truly disguise the smell of poo. They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t really neutralise nasty odours -only layer them with potpourri, which frankly only adds to the problem.
I would like to take a moment to pay my respects to a friend who, after four years of marriage, STILL hasn’t farted in the company of her husband. She firmly maintains that she doesn’t fart or poo – but having seen on many occasion that she is definitely human (and love her for that) – I am guessing that’s a bit of a lie. I also worry about her bowels but that’s another story!
In closing we thought we better do a quick whip around the office find out some of the ‘terminology’ associated with pooing.
Prairie dogging: When you are busting to go so bad he’s popping his head out and having a look around (also known as the turtle).
Dropping the kids off at the pool: Going for a poo.
The Shart: When you think it’s a fart but a little bit of poo comes out.
The camouflage: Coughing to cover up the sound of poo dropping in the bowl
The token guy in the office this afternoon just pointed out that there is a site called ratemypoo.com – I didn’t really want to put a link, its just TOO gross. If curiosity gets the better of you then you’ll have to type the url yourself!
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Welcome to Potty Mouth, our new and slightly controversial article series. 
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