nzgirl Sex School: BDSM

This week Ema from D.VICE walks us through BDSM; that’s bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism for those of you who haven’t yet become intimately acquainted with the practice.

Don’t go running for your number eight wire just yet, it’s not all whips and chains. BDSM can be as simple as using a pair of fluffy cuffs to hold down your partner’s wrists while you tickle them with a feather. Ema promises that by the end of this lesson we’ll all be excellent spankers, so read on ladies!

 

Bondage and discipline is all about tying up and restraining your partner and then introducing play like spanking and suspension which leads to... Sadism, where you gain pleasure from dominating your lover, sometimes causing pain or intense sensual sensation (a fun new way to sort out who does the dishes!) or Masochism, the other side of the coin where you gain pleasure from being the submissive one in the play. Often BDSM involves playing out scenes and they don’t necessarily always end in sex. Ema says one of the great things about BDSM is that you play on the anticipation of the event and the fantasies of each person, to create intense sexual tension.

Heaps of people are involved in BDSM and there are groups in towns and cities all around the country where like-minded couples and individuals share info; like a knitting circle, but less wool and more leather. There’s a Bed and Breakfast in Mount Maunganui which specialises in BDSM themed rooms and you can even go to Dominatrix School! Ema says the motto of BDSM is “Safe, sane and consensual”, so it’s not random, uncontrolled roughness but more about communication, trust and co sensuality.

Ema always recommends that people interested in BDSM read A Sensuous Magic – A guide to S & M for adventurous couples by Patrick Califia for ideas and inspiration. BDSM requires clear boundaries and trust between people taking part so make sure you’ve had a good chat about it before you whip out your riding crop and lay him over your knee! The next crucial step is setting up a safe word. A safe word is a word you both recognise as meaning “stop the action” and because a lot of people use role plays, the safe word can’t be a word your character might say, like “no”. Use something like "red" instead. Remember that if you’re using bondage, like a gag, you’ll probably need to set up a safe symbol to avoid any hurt-bottom misunderstandings.
 

You don’t have to decide at the start whether you’re the dominant or submissive partner as many people prefer to switch up the roles as they go. Usually the dominant player decides how the role play or scene will pan out and the scenes often include classics like a schoolgirl – teacher scenario (who plays the school girl is up to you, see our last sex school lesson here). BDSM can incorporate sensory play, one of the things that people are most fearful of, though it can be as gentle or as intense as you like. Which brings us to our next point; spanking!
 

Before you get going, make sure you haven’t consumed mind-altering drugs or alcohol that will dull your perception of pain – no one wants to be waking up with a skinless bum, suspiciously raw wrists and no idea why there’s a paddle under their duvet. Ema says that the allure of sensory play is the endorphin rush that’s released but that at first, it will be more stingy and painful, (depending on how you like it). After about 20 minutes (20 minutes!) of continuous spanking your reward will come in the form of a rush of endorphins. Spank parts of the body with the most padding, like on the bottom, back of the thighs or on the back. Make sure you avoid the head, back of the knees, neck, spine, and kidney area (don’t want to do any permanent damage, now do we). Ema says that even if you’re the spanker, you should be thinking about your own health and your spanking technique – spanking for 20 minutes could cause RSI and you do NOT want to be the girl filling out the ‘over-spanking’ form at ACC.  
 

This is where communication is crucial: the spanker should know how hard or soft a spank the spankee is expecting before you start. Try different techniques like a one stroke, pause one stroke, rhythm, or a figure of eight continuous motion. Try spanking with a paddle (for a good smack noise), a classic crop for a real sting or a sauna whip for something a little gentler.

 

BDSM encourages you to get creative with your partner so run with it as the perfect opportunity to introduce something a little different and sensual into your relationship. The great thing about BDSM is that you can introduce as few or as many elements of it into your sex life as you want. Why not try blindfolding your partner (when you can’t see, the rest of your senses are super-heightened) or using love cuffs so that you get to be completely in charge.

Restraint can be as complex as using a hand-cage suspended from the ceiling, which traps your hands in wire (he’ll never leave his undies on the floor again!) or as simple as cuffs tied to the bedpost. Ema says that restraint can be quite comforting for people as it may be the only time in their lives when they’re forced to relinquish control. If you’re using anything like rope or stockings, don’t use slipknots as they can tighten and restrict arteries, so pull out your Girl Guide instructions for tying safe knots. There are wrist restraints, like the purple Fur Cuffs from D.VICE, that you can slip out of yourself right up to leather restraints designed to suspend you in mid air.

 

There’s a huge range of tools out there to complement your BDSM play, from nipple clamps and male chastity devices, to collars and restraint corsets. Collars are often given to ‘submissives’ by the dominant partner, and are designed to place slight pressure on the neck (you can get ones designed to be worn all day, give one to your boy so everyone knows who wears the pants!). Some collars come with D rings that you can attach leashes to and collars can be as small and subtle or big and bulky as you like.

It’s not all fun and games for you though, how about this for a boy toy? Male chastity devices are perspex, penis-shaped cups, designed to prevent men from having erections but allowing them to urinate. The idea is that you tuck him into it, lock it on him, keep the key and he wears it for as long as you say. Seems a little cruel but imagine the sexual tension if he hasn’t been allowed to have an erection all week! Hmmm so maybe that’s a toy for you but we’re sure he’ll enjoy wearing it...

 

So there you have it ladies, BDSM in all its glory. Hope you took some thorough notes and are all excited to go out and inject some spice into your love life! You can find all the accessories you need at D.VICE and they also stock great books to get you going if you’re a bit stuck for inspiration. See you next time for the fourth installation of sex school, happy spanking!