Sexcapades: When sex goes wrong!

How very Paris Hilton/Pamela Anderson...
The dilemma: My honey and I were getting freaky with a camera one night after a few drinks. Afterwards we uploaded them onto my laptop, had a quick look and giggle and then deleted them from the computer. Sex-capade done and dusted… well so we thought! My flatmate was chilling in the lounge a couple of days later when my computer switched to its screensaver mode, which is set to a random slide show of my photos. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing at first and thought it mustn’t be true, but yes, he was seeing less than desirable photos of his two very good friends pleasuring each other. Lesson - your screen saver will play photos from your rubbish bin too. But really, watching a little hard core porn starring your friends, never hurt anyone.

The solution: If you have damaging photos on your computer, make sure you get rid of them permanently otherwise they can, and will, pop up for all eyes to see! As for the people who were unwittingly exposed to your do-it-yourself penis and vajayjay show, apologise, buy them wine, and convince them to see the funny side without forwarding it to anyone else.

Wrong hole, buddy!
The dilemma: The action was hot and heavy, we were going hard and were very lubed up, when his penis slipped out (as they do sometimes) and instead of going into the correct hole it went up my a-hole. It hurt and I got such a fright that I cried.

The solution: Eeeek! Ouch, that’s no fun. Sit him down and give him a serious talk about taking responsibility for his penis’ actions. Let him know that if he’s going to get so excited he loses his sense of direction, he’ll just have to not let himself get that excited. I suspect he was secretly curious about anal-sex and thought that if he just slipped it in there, you’d go along with things. Let him know your feelings on bum fun and if you’re not into it, teach him all about the sanctity of your other orifice, so he’s under no illusion that it’s a penis-friendly zone.

Where'd the condom go?!
The dilemma: I was seeing a guy who was absolutely awesome in the sack, but could get a little too into it. One night we were going at it when the condom broke. Straight away he went and grabbed another one and we continued on. I didn’t think anything of it until a week later when I went to the toilet (number one – I promise!), wiped myself, and then felt an icky, plastic substance between the toilet paper… I looked down, and to my horror saw the top of that broken condom! I almost fainted – that broken condom had been inside me for about eight days! YUCK!

The Solution: Oh no! Make sure you always check the condom after use so you can see if there are any bits broken unaccounted for. Using plenty of lube can really help limit condoms breaking so make sure you have some before you start. Check out the instructions that come with condoms for a refresher on exactly how to use them properly, and stop them breaking.

Mum alert!
The dilemma: You see it time and time again in the movies, young teenagers - full of raging hormones, retreat to their boy’s bedroom for some ‘fun’. Unknown to them, outside the doors of their comfy abode the party is crashed and the parents arrive home. In real life this happened to me, the door swung open and the well meaning and highly overprotective mother walked into the room and got an eyeful of teenage lust in action. It was all as awkward as you’re thinking. With me pulling on my pants, falling over on the floor, boyfriend covering himself with blankets and trying to melt into the bed. To make matters worse, she insisted on trying to talk to me about it afterwards. The relationship between me and my boyfriend was never quite the same after that, and of course I had to see his mother all the time after that…

The solution: Avoid, avoid! Do anything you can to avoid his Mum, but if you can’t, look her straight in the eye and smile. She’ll be expecting you to be embarrassed, so if you show her that you’re not, she might drop trying to talk to you. If that doesn’t work reply to every question she asks with something along the lines of “Yes, I love having sex with your son,” or “How’s your sex life?” Get increasingly graphic about the things you do with her son until she’s too grossed out to keep talking. Genius.

The dreaded fanny fart...
The dilemma: I’d had a massive night out with my girlfriends and at about 2am, I put in the drunken booty call to my on-again, off-again boy. He came and picked me up and we went back to his place. Being a little worse for wear, I just wanted sex, and eventually he started going down on me (excellent!). As I was lying back enjoying myself I became aware of a pressing need to pass wind. He told me to relax, and ever obliging, I did as I was told. As I stopped clenching, I let a little fart go. He looked up at me like a horrified and slightly hurt little puppy, with eyes that said clearly; 'You just farted right next to my mouth!'. I cracked up then tried to get him in the mood again. Needless to say the mood was well and truly gone and there were no more midnight shenanigans between the two of us.

 

The solution: Umm, to be honest, there isn’t a solution to that. Just hope that he’s understanding, or make it your mission in life to never see him again. Oh dear.